Lately...

 It has been so long since I last blogged. I would like to think that it's because I have been doing so many wonderful things with my family but in reality it's because lately I have been in some kind of funk. A funk that has left most days feeling cloudy and gross. I have found myself waking up, dreading the day before me, asking God to make it go by quickly. Wow, just writing that seems so sad. I mean wishing away the days and hoping to just soar through these moments with my kids, trying to feel nothing and just get through it. I can not even imagine the sadness that those words have left in the ear of my creator, who am I to even begin to think that I even have tomorrow and to wish today away to? Who am I to question God's purpose and direction for my life? So, lately I have been battling to get out of this funk. To rise above, victorious, allowing God to receive the glory.

What a journey it has been. Honestly, I feel like I am somewhere in the middle at this point. Not fully restored, yet far from where I was. I feel like God has been really teaching me 2 things. First, only He is able to get me out of this funk. Only He is able to restore my soul to where it longs to be. Only he is able to bring me true joy. Only he is able to give me life, true life. I am so grateful, because I have tried myself. Convincing myself that I am strong and capable of being joyful and full of life. But, man, I was so wrong. I am able to only do so much. What a blessing that is. I mean if I could just flip the switch and be where I want to be, it would be such a waste. I can only see about 4 steps in front of me, and normally those steps are all about me. Taking me to the places and feelings that best suit me and my life and my stage and my desires. But Lord, you have so much more. So much better. So much more meaningful. Nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with where I want to be going. And once again I am so grateful. Slowly, my heart is changing. Slowly, I long to make his desires my desires. I am becoming aware that I am exactly where He wants me to be, and that's where I want to be. I am coming to grips with the fact that changing diapers and trying to teach my kids how to obey and how to love others is a great place to be. My family and my husband are a great place to be. How dare I wish all of that away and question God's plan for me. Even in the midst of the crazy day, I am choosing joy, because what else do you do? Do you curl up back in bed and pretend there are not 4 kids who are hungry and need to go potty? A few months ago if you would of given me that option, I probably would have ran with it! But, now I wake up and I ask God to be glorified through it all. Through every tear and every dirty diaper and every crumb on the floor and and every boo-boo. That He would be glorified through it all! I wake up asking God to do big things through my little, insignificant life. That raising kids to love him and serve him is a big deal. Something, not to be taken lightly. It's actually an enormous task that I will never fully conquer and is absolutely impossible without him. That loving my husband and honoring him with keeping up the house and holding it together is a privilege. A few years ago when we worked at camp, one of the tag lines for all of the chores around camp that no one really wanted to do, was "get to's." I "get to" to go clean up that spilled sippy cup, I "get to" go love on Miles when he runs into the wall for the tenth time that day. I "get to" change Harper's diaper. For me, it is a daily battle. A battle that I am determined to win, only through the love and mercy so freely given to me.

The second lovely thing God has been teaching me is that sin is so ugly. I have found myself in the throws of discipline. I mean it used to be so easy, to teach Grace and Fisher right from wrong. "Don't touch the stove, it's danger and hot!" "Don't put that toy in your mouth you could choke!" Now, it is a different ball game. Now, there is a battle waging war on their hearts and it comes in a really cute little package with dimples and white-blonde hair and calls me Maa-Maa and wants to cuddle. It's ugly! Every second of the day is filled with correction and trying to explain that it is not necessarily what was said but how it was said. Filled, with arguments about who got what first and who said I hate you to who first. It is pure evil! I find myself saying things like, " Fisher, you are going to have no friends! No one is going to want to come to your birthday party!" Parenting at it's finest right there! Trying to explain over and over that you have to obey Mommy, because the bible says to, and because I want you to know how to obey God when you get older. Feeling like I am getting absolutely no where, real fast. It has made me so aware of how big of a deal sin is. I mean God hates sin! And yet, so many times in my life I play it off as not being that bad or not worthy of asking for forgiveness.  I mean it was not that bad, the way I used my words towards Preston, or the continual right I feel to have everything I could possibly want. And then it hits me, I am doing the same things to God as my kids are doing to me. The exact same things! Putting myself before everyone else, not sharing and giving with a happy heart and not using my words to bless and build up! Ouch! It hurts when your sin is staring straight back at you. It hurts thinking you have come so far and yet still have so far to go! I want to just throw my hands up in the air so many times during the day and give up on my kids, I have even called my husband and told him that I give up, there is no hope for any of them. They will all grow up to be selfish, joy suckers, who think only of themselves! All to often I judge my success as a mom on the behavior of my kids. All to often I feel like a failure, because everyday they mess up, everyday they fall short and everyday we are left at the same place. Praise God, that God's success is not measured by my behavior! That is worth repeating... PRAISE GOD, THAT GOD'S SUCCESS IS NOT MEASURED BY BEHAVIOR! I mean that would just be awful, praise God that he does not give up on me and leave me where I am. HE is the god of restoration, and of forgiveness. He longs for me to draw near to him and to be lead by him so that my sin does not win. That the battle for my soul is victorious. Because the war is raging and the enemy is strong, but God is bigger! He is bigger then my kids rebellion and my kids sin! His death on the cross was and is and will always be ENOUGH! What a breath of fresh air that is. I do not have to take the burden alone to teach my kids right from wrong and how to control their tongue. I am able to walk with them and guide them and point them to the cross. My new parenting goal is not to have kids that are always well-behaved and impress all of my friends with their amazing attitudes. That grow up to be the best at everything they do and go to a great college and make tons of money. My new parenting goal is to have kids that are pointed to the cross. That they know that the cross is their only hope to overcome this world, and that they know above all else their mom loves God and longs more than anything that they would live a life that glorifies Him.

So now, we take this journey together, as a family, to be reminded everyday that we will fall short. And that is ok! Because God never falls short! He is the only way to have life abundantly!  He is the only way to get the fog lifted and to see the beauty that has been given to me each day! Whew! It's not about me, and I am ok with that!